Its All in the Past

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Don’t you wish that you could go back, relive a part of your life that you feel you messed up? It would be great, wouldn it? You would have the knowledge that you wished you had when you were making those tough choices. Or you found out some very important things and just wanted to try to change it. Our lives are written in blood. We cannot go back, we cannot erase it, there is no miraculous laundry cure to this stain we have on our past. Once we give into the notion that we want to change things in the past, we begin down a very dangerous road; a road that fills our heads with “what ifs” and longing to change something about ourselves. I, like most people, fell into this trap. I want to be young again, to go up to the same challenges and make different choices. My life would be perfect.

One such time of my life I wanted so badly to erase from my life, was a year and a half relationship with a young girl. I loved her. A part of me will always care for her, because she was my first real love. The relationship was nice in the beginning. I was hanging out with her, quite a bit. I was over at her house all the time, her parents, graciously, allowed me to spend the night in a spare bedroom at their house. Those days were fun, but as I had more fun, the more I changed, and the change was not good.

I have always been an angry fellow; just ask the doctors who delivered me from my mom’s womb. I am extremely passionate about everything. That means when I get angry, I am really angry. While I have done a lot to learn to control this, most of that probably happened after the relationship. I brought my broken self into that relationship and it ended up hurting. I began to be very suspicious of everything. A little word could send me off the handle. I was not living my life according to God. I had the false sense of security. The relationship began to crumble about 8 months in, I saw it, but ignorantly pushed it aside. I was blindly in love therefore I chose to ignore the problems and I would not listen to anyone who tried to, what I would describe at the time as, “break us up”. With retrospect, I am older and wiser now, I see exactly what they were trying to warn me about.

My ultimate wish-list to change something that happened to me would have that relationship on top. I say would have, because with reconsideration I realized, that those decisions made me who I am today, and while it ain’t perfect, it is just right for me. Our past may be written in blood, but it is by Jesus’ blood and that is what gives me hope, the fact that I have a Lord who loves me so much that he’d die so that his blood could be etched over my past. When I stand before God, he may play back my life, he may ask me questions, and he may show me everything I did wrong and why it was wrong, and I will have to be judged by that, but because of Jesus, I am saved. Because of Jesus, I have no need to worry about my past, I have no want to change it and I have no need to change it either.

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