I have lost my confidence. I was thinking back to a time when I was not as self-conscious as I am now; it is not too far back, actually. I was 17 years old; everything seemed so easy back then: relationships, family, school, jobs, etc. As I grew up and went to college I found things becoming much more difficult.
Everybody, I believe, is self-aware; however, I do believe self-awareness is a muscle; it needs to learn to be flexed and stretched every now and again. I remember back when I started middle school, I was super short. I always had been. The rigorous activity in gymnastics, like constant jumping and landing hard on your feet compacted my bones and caused you to be short. I just did not grow because of that. Due to my shortness kids began making fun of me. I mean it was ruthless, I actually still have not told too many people about what was said, I do not even know if my own parents know. Anyways, I became self-aware because a few pricks were terrible at school and decided to bully me because it gave them a sense of accomplishment, that they could get laughter or be accepted. This new found self-awareness threw me for a loop. It was hard to grasp who I was, and though I remedied the situation by attending a charter program, and I began doing the one thing a creative person should never do. I began to censor myself.
Censoring yourself can be very useful, like withholding words such as, “When is the baby due?” or “How is your Uncle doing?” only after realizing that the woman was just fat and the uncle has been dead for a few months. You probably thought you shouldn’t say anything, but your judgment got ahead of you and you went for it. That is an idea of correct censorship. I believe to live life to the fullest and to truly be happy is to stop having these unreal expectations that you can censor yourself, and to stop censoring yourself. I am still trying to figure this out. Honestly, it is a lot harder than one would think. A good friend of mine has been encouraging me to stay the way I am. By that he means, I tend to say random off handed comments that, with a dirty mind, can be taken the wrong way. With men we always joke about things like that. Any guy who says he doesn’t is lying, I digress. What I am saying is that I am very innocent of thought. I should not censor that, however because of my newfound self-awareness, I am very self-conscious about everything. So I try to change myself. That is not good. No one should ever try to change themselves because they are a certain way. God made you the way he made you.
Recently I have noticed that I have been censoring my feelings for people, for a girl, particularly. This girl is super pretty and I have become very self-conscious around her. I like her and yet, I get worried that she doesn’t feel the same way about me. However, I HAVE NOT TOLD HER HOW I FEEL. How can I expect her to respond if she likes me or not if I have not mentioned the fact that I like her? This is what I mean.
I pose the question, is censoring yourself the best way to get the desire of your heart?